先致陪伴我低潮及大學研究所時光的最愛樂團
希望Chester能在天國好走
因為一些揮不去的傷痛而罹患憂鬱症的我
在看到 linkin park 官方釋出的一段最近的訪問
我完全能理解他罹患上蠻重的憂鬱症
因為這段對我來說也很重要
所以我打成逐字稿給自己
也給一些低潮的看或許你會有很多的共鳴
https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1492084944202024/
I was just like Fuck the world
Not like ,i need the break
Honestly like , Fuck all of you
like everybody and everything
and i don't like do anything anymore
Nothing makes me happy
i don't like anyone
i even told one of my therapists at one point
i said i don't want to feel anything
None of us immune from
you know , just shit happened to you ,
not to you but just kind of making poor choices or being human.
there's always that element and for me ,
life got really weired,
and really hard all at one time
there was few times over the last couple years ,where i was just ready to thro
w in the towel ,and i just kind of give up on everything
but i found that, for me most of my suffering is self inflicted.
it's not like its coming from some external source ,that's making me feel that
way
No one can make you feel anything
Its what you think about internally
that make you feel things,
like you are the only person that makes you feel anything.
And so i know , that i have this pattern of getting into these kind of thought
and this actions and choices .
I have always had this kind of depressive side , and i think that's something,
some people my not have gone down the road of injecting on the streets and lik
e you know that kind of stuff, so they think "Oh , my story's not that bad"
So dude ,no,may,
if you are here ,
if you're here , its that bad .
Its nothing spicial about that guy who is living on the street, and the person
who's just a binge drinker like three times a month.
Your life's fuck up ,and you realize that there is something , you got to do a
bout it , and its just as hard on either end ,but each one is just as relevant
as the next , and you don't have to know somebody to have an intimate experie
nce with them ,and also you don't have to know like someone to feel safe to
talk to them .
Any group of people can get together and just be like "Hey ! were gonna get re
al in here ,like lets get real" ,and just be vulnerable , say whatever's going
on ,and be accepted, and walk out the room and then feel great.
Chester之前就嘗試過自殺
但或許一些因素，不管是家庭、好友也好
相信他最後所說的他只要這群能同理他的人聚在一起，
才讓他感到真實，
而這其中我覺得也包括Chris好友，
而他的精神支柱也是能讓他感受到所謂真實一面的他，
在五月自殺了，
美國時間7月20號是Chirs的生日，
而這天Chester撐不住了，還是難過的上吊自殺了
很多人說有勇氣死為什麼沒有勇氣自殺
但就是一堆這種想法才會一直讓憂鬱症患者找不到自己的棲身之處
對我們來說，帶著解不開的傷痛活著，
比起死亡更需要勇氣，死亡真的太簡單了
Chester小時候長期被性侵害
也不是一兩天的事了
有點資深的歌迷應該都懂，
他的嘶吼及抒情感人的嗓音，
都在發洩他過去的傷痛
只是沒有現在這麼憂鬱，
我相信他隨著時間過去
成為了世界搖滾的知名歌手，
娶了漂亮妻子生了6個小孩
卻也發現，他的傷沒有好，因此越來越嚴重
Mike其實一直看在眼裡
每場live看到mike跟chester的互動就知道他們情同手足，就像家人一樣
每場來台的演唱會，
甚至是你以Dead By Sunrise名義來華山演唱
全到
甚至一直到昨天晚上睡不著
我還是在聽著你們的新歌
Battle Symphony
半夜因為憂鬱症失眠
聽著聽著，
凌晨兩點跑出chester上吊自殺的新聞
真的是用悲痛不已來形容
而我聽的這首Battle Symphony
是你獻給我們最後的戰歌
我不知道該怎麼形容這件事情的發生
他有個漂亮老婆，無數的錢，6個小孩
看似成功走出陰影，
因為人總是叫你努力成功，
賺大錢好像一切就沒事一樣
所有全亞洲的長輩有八成都會跟你這樣說
但他敵不過人生陰影
最後還是上吊離開人世了
回頭看看
Leave out all the rest , Shadow of the day
這兩首歌
這是2007年Minutes to Midnigh
這張專輯的兩首歌
如今對比起來格外辛酸....
Leave out all the rest, don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating, I’ve shared what I made
就把其他的都忘了吧！
不用擔心這樣做，會有什麼不妥。
我已經用盡心力過完我的人生，
我也已經分享出我所有努力的成果。
I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through
旁觀的你們認為我是個堅強、成功的人，但其實並非一直如此；
I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you
我從不是個完美的人，但旁觀的你們也都不是啊。
Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
你努力忘記那些我無意間對你造成的傷害，
那些你學會藏在內心深處、不為人知的傷口。
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
我卻只能逼自己相信著，
總有一天，會有個人，
能把我從自己的牢籠中解放出來。
I can’t be who you are
對不起，我就是無法變得跟你一樣，無法像你那樣思考、生活…