A man had told me before that his grandpa's condition (memory loss) would get worse and that was called 'sundowning.'
My condition always gets worse when I wake up in the morning. I have my 'sun downing' too.
Every time I wake up to this world, I feel I have come back from limbo. I feel lifeless and do not want to go to work. I need to drag my feet to the office while I feel suicidal every single fucking morning.
Today it got worse. I bought two eggs and when eating them I was thinking if my mood was getting better if I had some food. Then during lunch time I got a cup of green tea. I was thinking what my happy food was and then thought of green tea (although someone told me green tea was not food.)
I was thinking if I would feel better if I had my 'happy food.' Ah in the end I had a full bladder. I did feel better afterwards but I was not sure if it was due to work or the tea.
My colleagues thanked me for giving them the teaching slides of how to retrieve papers when sci-hub was not working. I felt being appreciated and felt good about it.
On the way back home, I was thinking this fucking ungrateful world just did not appreciate our efforts of living.
Every clinically depressed person said they need to spend lots of efforts to just simply live. I am one of them. I just feel it is so tiring to live.
I dare not write all these words on my facebook so I am here. Just venting off a bit.