偷溜回家發廢文。
如果大家都挑明了說what they want/expect in you
那就不會有這麼多問題了啊。
And they just wouldn't talk about it,
wouldn't even try to do so
It's so fucking stupid, you know
And they'd say, "Oh, I'm better off on my own."
And they'd put the burden on you,
and they'd expect you to carry all that shit on your shoulder.
All that loads of shit.
And for what?
For not being able to read their minds, and step in their shoes!
And they're not trying to say that we "don't have that ability"
but "Hey, you don't understand. Not 100%. So don't fucking say you know."
Would they even realise that what they're saying is simply ridiculous?
No, Vicent perhaps they never will.
Really.
Why would you fucking call yourself "smart" and "prestigious"
or maybe even consider youself to be a "prodigy" when you are so fucking stupid
when it comes to real life?
I don't give a damn to all these things, you see,
so fuck off and play your fucking little games with yourself, alright.
Don't you even try to mess with me.
Don't you dare.
I havn't denied any of these shitty stuff I've done in this fucking life,
and don't you even try to say that I havn't tried.
Don't you dare.
I just don't see the point in doing so (hey sweetie remember I too own a life)
if all you'll do is sit and stare and wait for me to read your mind.
Why in the hell's name wouldn't you just spit it out?
What good could it do for us if we're keeping these things to ourselves?
But hey look
I am here because of you.
It's not like I do not (or would not) care.
I've played my part exceedingly well,
don't you think I deserve something, say
having you pay a little effort (on your side) too?
Because of all these thorns and spikes I bled
And I will bleed and bleed (to death, maybe)
And till death do us part,
even if you don't have the faith.
Because death is easy, Nick it all depends.
Death is too fucking easy.
You know that too.
So I'll stop right here, and
go read my fucking book for getting to know you better.
And don't try to fix my English it's nothing to you.
Because right now I don't fucking care about the grammar
and the sentence pattern and stuff.
Because I fucking tried and you said that's nothing to you.
And this leans on me
like a rootless

No, it's not about you, it's about me.All these things I'm saying is to blame myselfBecause I'm fucking sick and I fucking hate myself.Because I ran away from reality and still am tryingBecause I am tearing myself up I wish to be tornBecause I am being hated by myself.Condemn myself. And dipose of the illusionsby typing them. They are merely illusions.Because I am killing myself and I am killing myself,who is trying to kill me. Because I hear things.Because I know that they are merely illusions.Because I am sane and I am losing itand the easiest way I can think of is to kill myselfBecause I forget. Always do. And I'd make things up.Because I am not sane and I can't come to understandBecause when I run, I run to death.Because that's the only thing that would not change.Because all of this, was not meant for you.It was meant to condemn me. By all these means.Because I am not me. And what am I.What am I if I'm not me. We empty ourselves to sleepBefore we are emptied, what are we.When we are emptied, we are not.When we are dreaming, we never were.Because my brain is trying to screw meand I'm trying to screw it, but hey it is me.They are speaking to me in low voices andthey lure me and I will try to run away by any meansso I can cut the thread that connects me to reality.Because I, frankly speaking, do not agreewith whatsoever I am speaking.Do not believe in my writings.They are what flows in my blood and makes me mad.Do not believe in me. I have nothing in me.Because I know too well what to do with you guysas with myself, to have you leave.I do not believe in me. I believe in nothing.I live. 'Cause I don't believe that I don't believe,in me. Or any other sorts of thing. Paradox.Because I am a paradox which is not a paradox,but if it is not a paradox I am going to be damned,too. Because I write all my stories,with the same ending. Because I do not want my wish.Because I hate my guts and my guts hate me.Because this world may not be real, at all,and I may not be real either.But it goes to the same end. Always does.Because anything would end.They end in the exact same way.And maybe I don't really hate myself too.But it wouldn't make any sense in any way if it's soBecause if the life is a boat that's going to crashThen that something wrong would be me,if it's a story. And stories are based on lives.And I believe in anything. And I don't.And I'd rather nobody knows about this shit,and I can rot to death. Because I don't think so.A series of words that makes no sense at all,contradicts themselves and have a short life span,is what makes me.And I don't really want to type all this.And I believe that you don't mean that,while I do. And I don't believe this too.And a person who believes nothing at all,would lose its existence and fade away.And I really don't want to kill myself. But I do.I can never forget. And I always forget. And I live.And all is left is despair.If I would just fucking speak to myself.If I would take at look at me.And I do but I don't.And this makes no sense to me eitherSo I'm gonna stop it here 'cause dad's hungry.Because there's no me, in any place.Not in my heart.How could I exist in any place because I am not realAm not fucking sane and don't know if I'm clear-headed or not.Because how could you be seeing this I must be making things up. Because I am mad, they say so.Because this does not make sense if it's to me.But this is to me, they tell me so.They start to sing in low voices,they start to sing. They are singing. Always are.If I do not see the start and the end,then it makes forever for me.Why wouldn't them let me die because I do not wantto because they do not exist because it's not mebecause there is no dying or living so you are notgoing to live or die.I would not see my wounds and I have seen it.There is far too many nonsense in this piece of shitSo it would end up in the bin and I'd forget thishopefully, as they wanted me to. But they are nottrue. And there is no end. But there is.And I am feeling nothing but vain.But vain is a nothingness so it does not exist.So I am not feeling nothing but am feeling nothing.Anyways I would, hey, generate the emotionsAnd nothing you see would be unreal.Because this whole thing is never real.

推了一個小時的paradox啊 辛苦了...

是一堆沒甚麼意義的murmur哈…

或許的確是murmur不過不是沒有意義的 我讀完的時候確實是這樣想的。

是英文!!!(掩面逃